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Funnibone  s Fix 


A FARCE 

IN  ONE  ACT 


BY 

ARTHUR  WILLIAMS 

(COMEDIAN) 

AUTHOR  OF 

“Leave  it  to  Me,”  “Oh!  What  a Day!”  “Christmas  Chimes,” 
Forgive,”  &c.,  &c. 


NEW  YORK 

DICK  & FITZGERALD,  Publishers  ) 
18  Ann  Street 


11  Forget  and 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX 


Characters. 

SEPTIMUS  SNUBWELL. 
FERDINAND  FUNNIBONE. 
CECIL  CORKER. 

PRINTER’S  BOY. 

MR.  WINKLETOES. 

MB.  RUSSETBLUE. 

WIDOW  SMITH. 

MILLY  SNUBWELL. 

COSTUMES— Modern. 


Stage  Directions — Z\,  right ; Z.,  left ; C.,  centre  ; Z.  C.,  left  centre 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


J 

— 

Scene — Office  of  the  “ Slushington  Pipelighter."  Editors  room  ; door , R. ; 

cupboard,  L.  C.  ; fireplace , L. ; table  with  newspapers,  writing  materials 

MSS . y waste-paper  basket  by  table  ; chairs , , etc. 

SEPTIMUS  and  Milly  discovered  seated,  r.  and  L.  of  table . 

Sep.  Now,  Milly,  don’t  be  nonsensical  ; a new  bonnet  indeed  ! Do  you 
think  I am  made  of  money  ? 

Mil.  ( pouting ) But,  papa 

Sep.  Now,  Milly,  don’t  be  absurd  ; you  ought  to  be  more  reasonable ; 
you  ought  to  have  more  consideration  for  your  father’s  altered  circumstances! 
It  isn’t  like  the  old  times  when  our  paper,  the  Slushington  Pipelighter , was 
the  only  local  newspaper,  and  stood  alone  without  a rival.  This  is  an  age 
of  competition,  and  now  there  are  numerous  journals — the  Slushington  Sat- 
urday Reviler , the  Slushington  Mudslinger,  the  Slushington  Stinger,  and 
goodness  knows  how  many  more.  What  is  worse,  the  circulation  'of  these 
papers  is  increasing,  while  that  of  the  Pipelighter  is  steadily  on  the  decrease. 
Something  determined  must  be  done  at  once — something  novel  and  startling 
— new  blood  and  new  ideas  must  be  introduced,  or  the  prestige  of  the  Slush- 
ington  Pipelighter  is  gone  forever.  I have  a new  sub-editor  coming  down 
who  has  been  highly  recommended  to  me,  and  I expect  great  things  from  him ; 
but,  unfortunately,  he  hasn’t  turned  up  yet,  and  it’s  already  time  to  go  to 
press.  I’ll  go  down  to  the  station  to  meet  the  next  train,  and  if  he  has  not 
come,  Milly,  you  and  I will  have  to  write  the  paper  together. 

Mil.  You  and  I,  papa  ? 

Sep.  Yes  ; There’s  no  help  for  it.  For  the  last  quarter  of  a century  the 
Pipelighter  has  appeared  every  evening  without  fail,  and  I won’t  lose  a day 
now  for  all  the  gold  in  the  world.  See  how  the  rivals  would  gloat  over  us. 
No,  the  paper  must  and  shall  appear. 

Voice  of  Printer’s  Boy.  Copy,  please.  The  printer  is  waiting  for 

copy. 

Sep.  Oh,  dash  it ! what  will  become  of  me  ? Here,  I’ll  run  to  the  station 
at  once,  and  if  I should  pass  the  sub-editor  on  the  way,  you  set  him  to  work 
directly  he  comes. 

Mil.  (coaxing)  Yes,  papa ; and  then  I shall  have  that  new  bonnet,  shall  I 
not?  You  won’t  be  a mean  old  Shylock  of  a father,  will  you  ? If  so,  I 


4 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


shall  run  away  with  some  handsome  fellow,  just  as  Jessica  did  in  Shake- 
speare’s play. 

Sep.  Don’t  talk  like  that,  my  dear.  You  surely  would  not  run  away 
from  your  old  dad  ? 

Mil.  ( embracing  him)  Oh,  no,  papa  ! 

Sep.  And  you  would  not  think  of  a secret  courtship  with  anybody,  would 
you,  Milly  ? 

Mil.  ( demurely ) Oh,  of  course  not,  dear  papa. 

Sep.  Of  course  not.  But  I must  hurry  away  to  the  station.  Good-bye 
for  a little  while,  my  darling. 

(Exit,  hurriedly.) 

Mil.  Good-bye,  papa.  ( Opens  cupboard , L.  c.)  You  can  come  out,  Fer- 
dinand ! papa’s  gone.  ( When  the  cupboard  is  open,  Ferdinand  Funnibone 
discovered  concealed , fanning  himself  with  his  hat)  You  can  come  out,  Fer- 
dinand Augustus. 

Fer.  Come  out ! ( wipes  perspiration  from  his  face)  I've  been  coming  out 
at  the  rate  of  a pint  a minute.  The  Black  Hole  of  Calcutta  was  child’s  play 
compared  to  that  cupboard.  Had  your  worthy  papa  stayed  much  longer,  on 
opening  that  door  you  would  have  found,  not  Ferdinand  Funnibone,  but 
thin  air — space — vacuity.  Talk  about  melting  moments  ! only  a bloater  on 
a gridiron  would  understand  my  feelings. 

Mil.  Ferdinand  Augustus  Funnibone,  “ There  is  a tide  in  the  affairs  of 
men.” 

Fer.  There  is.  My  affairs  have  been  at  low  tide  for  a very  long  time. 

Mil.  An  opportunity  now  occurs  for  you — wealth  and  fortune  are  before 
you. 

Fer.  They  are — a devil  of  a long  way  before  me.  I think  we  ought  to 
begin  again  and  start  fair. 

Mil.  What  say  you  to  be  a man  of  letters? 

Fer.  I am  a man  of  letters.  I get  a dozen  every  day  ; but  they're  all 
threats  or  County  Court  summonses. 

Mil.  Silly  man  ! I mean  would  you  like  to  write  for  the  daily  papers  ? 

Fer.  Write  for  the  daily  papers?  No,  certainly  not ! Why  take  the 
trouble  to  write  for  them  when  I can  walk  over  the  road  and  buy  them  ? 

Mil.  You  don’t,  or  won’t,  understand  me.  When  I say  write  for  a paper, 
I mean  would  you  like  to  be  on  the  staff  ? 

Fer.  On  the  staff ! do  you  mean  would  I like  to  be  a policeman  ? If  you 
mean  that — certainly  not.  I shouldn’t  so  much  mind  being  a detective  if  I 
knew  I shouldn’t  be  found  out. 

Mil.  Your  stupidity  is  intolerable.  Is  not  your  greatest  wish  to  earn 
your  living  ? 

Fer.  Certainly,  unless  I can  get  my  living  without  earning  it.  I should 
prefer  it  that  way. 

Mil.  I think  you  are  poking  fun  at  me.  I don’t  think  you  can  be  so 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


5 


stupid  as  not  to  understand  me.  I have  told  you  before,  Ferdinand  Augustus, 
and  I tell  you  now  again,  that  I will  not  marry  you  unless  you  can  keep  me. 

Fer.  Keep  you  ? That’s  all  I want  to  do — to  keep  you  all  to  myself  for 
ever  and  ever. 

Mil.  Ferdinand  Augustus  Funnibone,  the  man  I many  must  have  courage 
and  enterprise. 

Fer.  Milly  Snubwell,  have  I not  courage  and  enterprise  ! When  that 
ferocious  bull  looked  in  a threatening  manner  in  your  direction,  did  I not 
frighten  him  away  with  your  parasol  ? 

Mil.  You  did,  dear.  I don’t  know  which  of  the  two  looked  more 
frightened — you  or  the  bull.  And,  by  the  way,  Ferdinand,  that  bull  was 
a cow. 

Fer.  Frightened  ! No  ; I may  have  turned  pale,  but  not  with  fear.  It 
was  the  pallid  glare  of  indignation. 

Mil.  Nevermind  that.  Now  is  the  time  to  show  your  courage  and  enter- 
prise. Papa  wants  a sub-editor  for  his  paper,  the  Slushington  Pipelightcr . 
You  must  obtain  the  post — you  must  be  the  sub-editor. 

Fer.  I be  a sub-editor  ! Milly  Snubwell,  you  are  dreaming. 

Mil.  Nothing  of  the  kind ; you  don’t  know  what  you  can  do  till  you 
try.  The  new  sub-editor,  who  was  to  have  commenced  his  duties  to-day, 
has  disappointed  us.  It  is  time  for  the  copy  to  go  to  press,  and  papa  is  at 
his  wits'  end.  If  you  come  to  his  assistance,  and  extricate  him  from  his 
awkward  dilemma,  he  will  ever  afterwards  be  grateful  to  you  ; and  if  you 
wish  to  gain  his  consent  to  our  union  you  can  go  in  and  win. 

Fer.  But,  my  own  poppet,  it’s  one  thing  to  talk  of  being  a sub-editor  and 
quite  another  thing  to  be  a sub-editor.  Indeed  you  might  as  well  bid  me  go 
and  take  command  of  the  British  fleet  at  a moment’s  notice. 

Mil.  As  I said  before,  you  don’t  know  what  you  can  do  till  you  try. 
Papa  does  not  know  you,  so  if  you  get  the  post  you  will  have  an  opportunity 
of  seeing  me  every  day. 

Fer.  That  is  a terrible  temptation.  But  when  your  papa  does  know  me, 
and  discovers  my  incapacity  to  discharge  my  sub-editorial  duties,  he  will  help 
me  to  the  door  with  his  boot,  and  then  I shall  not  have  an  opportunity  of 
seeing  you  again. 

Mil.  Ferdinand,  “ there  is  no  such  word  as  fail.” 

Fer.  Oh  yes,  there  is  ; or  there  wouldn’t  be  a bankruptcy  court. 

Mil.  Ferdinand  Augustus  Funnibone,  “Faint  heart  never  won  fair 
lady.” 

Fer.  I wish,  dear  Milly,  you  wouldn’t  keep  pitching  proverbs  at  my 
head,  as  if  I was  at  writing-class  and  you  were  a copy-book. 

Mil.  Very  well,  if  I am  not  worth  winning — farewell,  farewell  for  ever. 

Fer.  Oh,  hang  it  all,  Milly,  I can’t  lose  you. 

Mil.  You  mean  you  won’t  win  me. 

Fer.  Oh,  Milly,  I swear  by  yon  bright  moon — when  it  comes  out 

Mil.  Tush  ! tush  ! don’t  swear  at  all,  it’s  rude  ; do  as  I tell  you,  if  you 


6 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


love  me.  (Loud  knock  at  door)  I expect  that  is  papa.  Now  mind  and  keep 
up  your  dignity,  Ferdinand  FunnlLone,  Esq.,  sub-editor  of  the  Slushington 
Pipelighter  ! Isn't  that  grand  ? Doesn’t  it  sound  high  ? 

Fer.  Sound  high!  I expect  before  I have  done  I shall  get  a sound 
hiding. 

Mil.  Remember,  your  motto  is,  “We  don’t  know  what  we  can  do  till 
we  try.” 

Fer.  I expect  I shall  have  reason  to  know  what  somebody  else  can  do 
before  I have  tried  long ; however,  here  goes  for  a buster. 

Enter  Cecil  Corker,  a very  meek  man  ; he  bows . 

Cec,  This  is  the  office  of  the  Slushington  Pipelighter , I presume  ? 

Mil.  It  is,  sir. 

Cec.  Can  I see  Mr.  Snubwell,  the  editor  and  proprietor? 

Mil.  He  is  not  within  ; but  I am  his  daughter  and  business  assistant. 

Cec.  Then  suffer  me  to  present  my  credentials  to  you — my  letters  of  in- 
troduction. One  is  addressed  to  Septimus  Snubwell,  Esq.,  the  other  to 
Miss  Milly  Snubwell.  ( Gives  letters .) 

Mil.  (opeits  one  and  reads)  “ Middlesborough,  Monday. — My  dear 
Friend — I sympathize  with  you  in  having  lost  your  sub-editor,  and  in  being 
reduced  to  such  unpleasant  straits,  but  have  pleasure  in  sending  you  a gentle- 
man whom  I can  highly  recommend,  and  who  I am  sure  will  give  you  the 
fullest  satisfaction.  Excuse  this  hasty  scrawl,  as  business  is  pressing  hard  upon 
your  sincere  friend,  Timothy  Turveytops.” 

Fer.  {aside)  I am  very  glad  the  real  sub-editor  has  come.  That  will 
save  me  a lot  of  trouble  and  anxiety.  Sub-editor,  indeed  ! I’d  just  as  soon 
be  a lion-tamer. 

Mil.  (who  has , in  the  meantime,  read  the  other  letter)  You  had  better 
wait  in  the  hall  till  my  father  comes.  ( to  Cecil.) 

Cec.  (aside,  in  astonishment)  Wait  in  the  hall ! Well,  that  is  polite,  to 
send  a sub-editor  and  a gentleman  of  education  to  wait  in  the  hall.  Perhaps 
I misunderstood  her.  ( to  Milly)  I beg  your  pardon,  Miss — did  you  say  I 
was  to  wait  in  the  hall  ? 

Mil.  ( sharply ) I said  wait  in  the  hall.  I don’t  suppose  there  is  a seat, 
unless  the  hall  porter  will  let  you  have  his. 

Cec.  {aside,  going)  Well,  upon  my  honor  this  is  nice  treatment.  Strikes 
me  I shall  not  stay  long  on  this  paper.  (Exit  L.) 

Fer.  I say,  Milly,  my  dear,  what  has  become  of  all  your  politeness? 

Mil.  Mind  your  own  business.  Here  is  your  letter  of  introduction  to 
papa. 

Fer.  No,  no  ! Not  my  letter  of  introduction — his  letter. 

Mil.  Does  it  mention  any  name  ? 

Fer.  {looks  at  letter)  No  ; it  merely  says,  “ I send  you  a gentleman  who 
I am  sure  will  give  you  every  satisfaction.” 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


7 


Mil.  Very  well.  It  is  my  pleasure  that  you  shall  be  the  gentleman  who 
is  to  give  satisfaction. 

Fer.  I ! What,  with  the  other  chap’s  credentials? 

Mil.  Ves  ! you  ; and  with  the  other  chap’s  credentials. 

Fer.  If  I am  not  very  careful  they  will  take  away  my  name  and  give  me 
a number,  likewise  a short  crop  and  board  and  lodging  at  Dartmouth — only 
more  lodging  than  board,  and  more  work  than  both. 

Mil.  Listen  ! This  is  the  letter  of  introduction  to  me  ; it  is  from  my 
school-fellow,  Bessie  Turveytops.  (Reads  second  letter)  ‘ ‘ My  darling  Milly, — 
Let  me  introduce  to  you  Mr.  Cecil  Corker,  who  is  my  sweetheart,  and  of  whom 
I have  often  spoken  to  you.  How  kind  of  your  dad  to  take  him  on  as  sub- 
editor. We  were  only  waiting  till  he  obtained  employment,  and  now  we 
intend  to  be  married  at  once  ; so,  darling  Milly,  I shall  win  my  bet  and 
get  married  before  you.—*Always  your  sincere  loving  friend,  Bessie  Tur- 
veytops.”  Now  do  you  suppose  I am  going  to  play  my  cards  into  her 
hand  ? Do  you  suppose  I am  going  to  assist  her  to  get  married  first,  and  so 
win  her  bet  and  humiliate  me?  Bah  ! 

Fer.  But  there  is  such  a thing  as  honor,  you  know. 

Mil.  Honor ! honor  between  rivals  ! honor  with  a jealous  woman ! 
Fiddlesticks  ! All’s  fair  in  love  and  war.  Sit  down,  sir,  at  once,  and  com- 
mence your  sub-editorial  duties. 

Fer.  But 

Mil.  Sit  down  and  commence.  You  don’t  know  what  you  can  do  till 
you  try. 

Fer.  Oh  lor  ! oh  lor  ! well,  here  goes.  (Takes pen.)  Won’t  there  just  be 
a shine  when  the  other  party  has  an  explanation  with  the  governor. 

Enter  Printer’s  Boy,  r. 

Boy.  Copy,  sir,  please. 

Mil.  Come  again  in  ten  minutes.  (Exit  Boy.)  Now,  Ferdinand  Fun- 
nibone,  show  your  mettle  and  commence  to  scribble. 

Fer.  I'm  a nice  fellow  to  write  a leading  article,  considering  it  takes  me 
half  a day  to  write  home  and  tell  my  mother  I’m  quite  well,  hoping  she  is 
the  same,  then  I have  to  put  my  tongue  out  and  scratch  so  much  that  when 
I’ve  done  the  surface  of  the  paper  is  like  a blanket.  However,  here  goes  for 
a leading  article — what  shall  I write  about  ? 

Mil.  Oh,  a nice  light  article  on  general  topics. 

Fer.  (coughs , etc.f  and  commences  reading  as  he  writes ) “ Europe  will 
wake  up  this  morning  to  learn  with  undisguised  awe  that  while  we  were 
washing  our  editorial  face  at  the  pump  in  the  yard,  we  discovered  a goose- 
berry which  measured  exactly  the  same  round  the  waist  as  the  Dome  of  St. 
Paul’s.” 

Mil.  Capital  ! Why,  Ferdy,  you  are  a born  editor. 

Fer.  I’m  afraid  I shall  be  a dead  editor  soon.  But  to  proceed  : “ The 
Colorado  beetle’  — how  do  you  spell  Colorado  ? Oh,  I know — “ K-O-double 


8 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


L-E-R  coller  H-A-R-D — hard— Kollerhard — H-O-ho — Kollerado.  The 
Colorado  beetle  presents  its  compliments  to  the  great  sea-serpent,  and  hopes 
to  meet  him  professionally  at  the  Cattle  Show  at  the  Agricultural  Hall 
Money  is  very  scarce  especially  with  our  new  sub-editor.  Stocks  are  rising 
also  tulips  and  dandelions.  Virginia  creepers  are  falling  outside  our  washus 
window.  The  barometer  is  still  very  shaky/' 

Boy  ( entering ) Copy,  sir,  please. 

Fer.  Here  you  are  ! Tell  the  printer  to  put  every  word  in  capital  letters ; 
it  s too  good  to  be  missed.  Besides,  I want  it  to  take  up  as  much  room  as 
possible  I cannot  write  much  more.  I feel  the  first  symptoms  of  brain 
fever  already.  (Exit  Boy,)  By  the  way,  Milly,  you  don’t  happen  to  keep 
a barrel  of  beer  up  here,  do  you  ? ^ 

Mil.  Certainly  not,  sir.  Beer  and  business  don't  agree. 

Fer.  I don’t  agree  with  business,  but  I can  get  outside  a good  deal  of 
beer  without  complaining.  * 

,fep-  tutAde\  SteP,!his  way-  sir-  There  is  evidently  a mistake  some- 
where. My  daughter  will  no  doubt  explain  and  apologize. 

Fer.  Here  comes  the  governor  and  the  rightful  heir— I mean  the  rieht- 
ful  editor.  Don  t you  think  I had  better  hide  under  the  editorial  table  ? 

Mil.  Certainly  not,  sir  ; sit  there  and  brazen  it  out : produce  your 
credentials  bear  me  out  in  everything  I say,  and  we’ll  soon  put  your  rival  to 
flight.  And  as  to  my  rival,  you’re  going  to  be  married  first,  are  you  Miss 
Bessie  Turveytops  ! We  shall  see,  we  shall  see.  A fair  field  and  no  favor— 
let  her  laugh  who  wins.  Ferdinand  Augustus  Funnibone,  pull  your  editorial 
sell  together  prove  yourself  a genius.  You  don't  know  what  you  can  do  till 
you  try,  Ferdinand.  7 


Enter  Septimus  and  Cecil,  l. 

Sep.  Milly,  how  is  it  that  when  my  new  sub-editor  arrives  with  letters 
of  introduction  and  the  highest  testimonials,  he  is  subjected  to  insult— sent 
out  into  the  hall,  and 

Mil.  Pray  Mr.  Funnibone,  have  you  been  subjected  to  insult— have  you 
been  sent  out  into  the  hall  ? J 

Fer.  Most  decidedly  not.  I have  been  treated  with  the  greatest 
courtesy  and  consideration  ! 6 

Sep.  And  who  the  devil  are  you,  sir  ? 

Fer.  (with  mock  dignity ) I am,  sir,  the  edit-a-h— the  sub-edit-a-h  of  this 
pa-pah — the — ah — Slushmgton  Pipelight-a-h. 

Sep.  The  devil  you  are  ! 

rriFer,‘  -No»  Slr>  \ amn  not  the  devil.  (Enter  Printer's  Boy  with  copy.) 
Iheres  the  devil,  sir,  the  printer’s  devil — go  away,  you  little  devil — go  ever 
so  tar  and  come  again  in  ten  minutes. 

Sep.  (pointing  to  Cecil)  But  this  gentleman  tells  me  that  he  is  the  new 
sub-editor. 

Mil.  That  person  would  say  anything. 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX.  9 

Fer.  Yes;  a single  glance  at  that  person’s  face  convinces  me  that  his 
only  pleasure  in  this  world  is  to  lie  until  he  is  black  in  the  face. 

Cec.  ( indignantly ) Sir! 

Fer.  Silence,  sir.  No  violence  here ! Remember  you  are  in  the  edi- 
torial sanctum  ! Mr.  Snubwell,  my  very  dear  Mr.  Snubwell,  permit  me  to 
hand  you  my  credentials. 

Sep.  ( takes  and  looks  over  letter)  Yes,  this  is  quite  correct.  A letter  of 
introduction  from  my  old  friend  Turveytops,  sending  me  a new  sub- 
editor. ( Turning  to  Cecil.)  Sir,  you  are  an  impostor  ! 

Fer.  Certainly  he  is — a rank  impostor  ! Why,  he  smells  of  falsehood, 
fraud,  and  petty  larceny  ! 

Mil.  He  swaggered  in  here  smoking  ! 

Fer.  Yes,  smoking — a short  cutty,  as  black  as  your  hat. 

Cec.  Oh  ! I never  smoked  in  my  life. 

Mil.  And  when  I asked  his  business,  told  me  to  mind  my  own,  and 
added  that  I was  a forward  little  minx. 

Sep.  {indignantly’)  You  said  that,  sir? 

Cec.  Certainly  not,  sir  ! 

Fer.  Oh,  I suppose  you  didn’t  say  you  would  knock  that  lady’s  Roman 
nose  into  a pug  ? 

Cec.  I did  not. 

Fer.  and  Mil.  Oh  ! oh  ! What  stories  ! Oh  ! 

Fer.  And  didn’t  you  say  you  would  knock  me  down  and  jump  on  my 

chest. 

Cec.  Most  decidedly  not. 

Fer.  and  MW.  Oh!  oh!  What  fibs  ! Oh!  oh! 

Fer.  And  didn’t  you  say  you  would  do  the  same  for  «ld  Pumpkin  face? 

Sep.  Whom  did  he  mean  by  old  Pumpkin  face  ? 

Mil.  You,  papa,  dear. 

Fer.  You,  honored  sir,  he  meant^you. 

Sep.  The  impertinent  scoundrel ! ( Seizes  Cecil,  shakes  him  and  swings 
him  round  stage.  Milly  attacks  him  with  ruler , and  FERDINAND  with 
dusting-brush  ; he  eventually  escapes  and  gets  to  door , L. ) 

Cec.  Mark  my  words,  I’ll  be  even  with  you.  (Exit.) 

Sep.  I am  deeply  sorry,  Mr.  Funnibone,  that  your  first  appearance  here 
should  have  been  so  unpleasant.  However,  we  have  no  time  for  apologies  ; 
the  paper  ought  to  be  out  already.  Now,  set  to,  like  a good  fellow.  Try 
all  sorts  of  startling  originality  and  novel  expedients  to  further  the  sale  of 
the  Slushington  Pipelightery  and  you  make  me  your  grateful  debtor  for  ever. 
Come,  Milly,  come  with  me,  and  leave  Mr.  Funnibone  to  work  undisturbed. 

Mil.  Au  revoir , Mr.  Funnibone  ! 

Fer.  Au  revoir , Miss  Snubwell!  (Kisses  his  hand  to  MiLLY-  SEPTIMUS 
turns  and  sees  him.) 


IO 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


Fer.  Merely  a fly,  Mr.  Snubwell — merely  a fly  ( pretending  to  wipe  fly 
from  his  nose.  Milly  and  Septimus  exeunt,  L.) 

Fer.  (seating  hii?iself)  Now  to  get  this  confounded  paper  out — what 
shall  I write  ? I feel  the  brain  fever  coming  on  worse  than  ever.  ( Takes  up 
piece  of  paper)  What’s  this  ! “ Died,  on  the  30th,  Wm.  Winkletoes,  of  this 
parish.”  Poor  William  Winkletoes,  no  doubt  a mother’s  pet ; I can  see 
him  in  my  mind's  eye — a fair-haired  creature  with  an  aquiline  nose,  aged 
about  six  ; just  about  the  age  of  my  little  cousin  who  died  from  sucking  the 
paint  off  a monkey  on  a stick.  I daresay  little  Winkletoes  died  the  same 
way.  I’ll  write  some  pathetic  verses  about  it ; the  Winkletoes  family  will 
-advertise  in  this  paper  for  ever.  Let  me  see  now — 

“ Little  William  ne’er  was  flunkey, 

Always  bright  and  always  brave  ; 

He  sucked  the  paint  from  off  his  monkey, 

And  found,  poor  lad,  an  early  grave. 

Poor  boy,  he  had  the  stomach-ache, 

Which  served  to  spoil  his  night’s  repose  ; 

He  chewed  his  little  brother’s  cake, 

And  then  turned  up  his  Winkletoes.” 


Now  that’s  what  I call  good — it’s  pathetic  without  being  far-fetched.  The 
mother  will  weep  for  joy. 

Printer’s  Boy.  ( entering , r.)  Copy,  sir,  please. 

Fer.  Here  you  are,  all  in  capitals  ; tell  the  printer  it’s  so  good  it  ought 
to  be  printed  in  letters  of  gold.  (Exit  Boy.)  What’s  this  ? ( takes  up  paper 
and  reads)  “ My  Florence  has  gone  away  mysteriously  ; can  any  Christian 
soul  give  a lone,  broken-hearted  woman  information  as  to  her  whereabouts, 
and  so  confer  a true  favor  on  Widow  Smith  ?”  Oh,  this  is  evidently  an  old 
lady  who  has  lost  her  pet  dog.  I can  get  some  good  verse  out  of  that  ; here 
goes  -something  comic  to  draw  attention,  and  then,  no  doubt  she  will 
get  her  dog  back,  and  will  be  deeply  grateful.  ( Writes  :) 

41  Poor  Widow  Smith  has  lost  her  Flo ! 

Hurrah  ! Hurrah ! 

Where  she  has  gone,  we  none  of  us  know, 

. Hurrah  ! Hurrah  ! 

The  sweet  little  creature  caresses  and  licks, 

Her  tail  is  bit  off,  and  she’s  covered  with  ticks, 

And  we’ll  stand  drinks  tilhall’s  blue, 

When  Floy  comes  barking  home.” 

That  is  splendid,  now.  By  Jove,  I’m  a genius  ! and  I didn’t  think  I 
could  be  a sub-editor  ; but  there,  “ We  don’t  know  what  we  can  do  till  wc 
try.” 

Enter  Boy,  r. 

Boy.  Copy,  sir,  please,  copy. 

Fer.  Here  you  are  ! All  capital  letters — cut  away. 

Boy.  Printer  says,  sir,  one  more  supply  will  do,  ’cos  there’s  a hextra 
number  of  advertisements. 


FUNNIEONE'S  FIX. 


n 


Fer.  Right  you  are  ; you  can  come  back  for  the  rest  before  you  get 
there.  (Exit  Boy.)  Now,  what  is  this?  {reads paper)  “ Mr.  and  Mrs.  Russet- 
blue,  dyers  and  cleaners.  Kids  cleaned  2d.  a-pair.”  There  is  a couple  of 
Good  Samaritans  ; they  clean  other  people’s  kids  who  are  too  busy  to  clean 
’em  themselves,  and  they  clean  cheap  ; in  fact,  dirt  cheap.  Here  goes  for 
some  more  genius.  {Reading  as  he  writes  :) 

“ Oh,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Russetblue, 

How  very  kind  of  you. 

You  take  poor  people’s  dirty  brats, 

You  first  remove  their  little  hats  ; 

With  firm  but  gentle  hand  you  tub  ’em 
With  canvas  and  with  sand  you  scrub  ’em, 

You  groom  them  next  with  brush  and  comb, 

Then  give  ’em  a bull’s  eye  and  send  ’em  home.” 

Boy.  ( entering ) Copy,  sir,  please. 

Fer.  Here  you  are,  here  you  are  ; all  in  capitals.  (Exit  Boy.)  Now  that’s 
what  I call  a smart  day’s  work.  Bless  my  heart,  just  fancy,  I have  lived 
all  these  years  and  didn’t  know  I was  cut  out  for  a sub-editor.  Hurrah  for 
the  press! 

Enter  Cecil  with  whip , l. 

Cec.  {striding  up  to  him)  Now,  sir ! 

Fer.  No — not  now,  sir,  some  other  time,  sir.  Good-day,  sir. 

{He  is  making  off,  Cecil  drags  him  back .) 

Cec.  What  punishment  does  a wretch  deserve  who  steals  another  man’s 
name  and  occupation  ? 

Fer.  I’ll  inquire  and  let  you  know  to-morrow. 

{Is  boltuig  off , and  dragged  back  again.) 

Cec.  Tell  me,  sir — what  is  the  proper  punishment  for  an  impudent, 
swaggering  impostor  ? 

Fer.  Oh,  don’t  ask  conundrums.  I’m  not  a Minsty  Christal — I mean  a 
Christal  Minstal — no,  I mean-er-er — Well,  so  long,  Corker.  {Repeat  busi- 
ness.) 

Cec.  Now,  sir,  I’m  going  to  give  you  the  best  thrashing  you  ever  had  in 

your  life.  Yes,  sir,  I’m  going  to  give  you 

* (Septimus  and  Milly  enter.) 

Sep.  Mr.  Funnibone,  is  the  paper  ready?  Have  you  supplied  all  the 
copy  ? 

Fer.  Yes,  sir,  long  ago.  But  here  is  this  impudent  impostor  again  an- 
noying me. 

Sep.  How  dare  you  re-enter  these  premises  ? (Milly  snatching  whip 
and  beating  Cecil)  How  dare  you,  sir  ? 

{They  all  attack  and.  bustle  him  off, , leaving  Ferdinand  alone.) 

Fer.  What  an  eventful  day  ! What  a day  of  excitement  ! Never  mind, 
I shall  win  my  sweetheart,  and  I have  found  at  last  some  occupation  that 
suits  me.  (News  Boys  heard  without.) 


U.  G*'  IbL  Ub. 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


*2 


Boys.  Evening  Pipelighter,  a penny  ! Slushington  Pipe  lighter,  a pen- 
ny, etc. 

Fer.  Ah  ! Now  the  paper’s  out  ; how  proud  I feel  to  be  sure.  A real, 
live,  genuine  sub-editor.  Monarch  am  I of  all  I survey.  Coals,  board,  and 
half  a quid  a day.  A calm  serenity  comes  over  me  ; I feel  that  my  days  of 
trouble  are  past,  and  the  future  is  peaceful  and  bright. 


Enter  Winkletoes,  L.,  a formidable-looking  man ; he  carries  an  open  news- 
paper in  his  hand . 


Win.  ( ominously ) Good  afternoon,  my  friend  ! 

Fer.  (smiling)  Good  afternoon,  sir. 

Win.  Who  is  it  that  writes  them  beautiful  verses  as  comes  out  in  your 
evening  edition  ? 

Fer.  ( blandly ) The  sub-editor,  sir,  the  sub-editor. 

Win.  And  pray  who  is  the  sub-editor  ? 

Fer.  I am,  sir,  and  your  servant  to  command — your  servant,  sir. 

Win.  My  name,  sir,  is  Winkletoes.  I’ve  come  to  take  your  heart  out ! 
But,  previous  to  that,  I’m  going  to  clip  your  ears  and  tear  out  your  false 
tongue  by  the  roots  ! 

Fer.  (greatly  alarmed ) What ! After  the  beautiful  verses  I wrote  about 
your  deceased  little  relative  ? 

Win.  Little  relative  ! My  deceased  brother  stood  six  feet  five  in  his 
socks,  he  had  a beard  down  to  his  waist,  and  died  from  heart  disease  ! And 
this  is  what  you  write  about  my  poor  brother,  William  Winkletoes.  Read 
it  yourself.  I’ll  make  you  read  every  word  of  it  aloud.  Read,  or  I’ll  choke 
you. 

Fer.  (i terrified , reads  paper)  “ Little  William  ne’er,”  etc. 

Win.  ( seizing  him ) And  that  is  what  you  dare  write  about  as  handsome 
a man  as  you  could  meet  in  a day’s  walk,  you  imp  of  midnight  ! 

Cec.  (entering)  I say,  sir,  that  I am  the  legitimate  sub-editor  of  the 
Pipe  lighter  t 

Fer.  Yes,  sir,  he  is  the  sub-editor  of  the  Pipelighter;  he  wrote  the  verses 
you  complain  of.  Wollop  him,  sir,  please,  and  *let  me  go.  (Winkletoes 
rushes  to  CECIL  and  thrashes  hi??i  off  and  follows , saying)  Come  and  have 
your  tongue  cut  out,  sir  ! 

Fer.  I’m  off  while  I have  a chance.  (Seizes  his  hat  and  rushes  to  door, 
where  he  is  met  by  WIDOW  Smith,  who  lays  about  her  with  large  umbrella .) 

Widow.  Not  a soul  leaves  here  till  I have  an  explanation.  My  name 
is  Widow  Smith. 

Fer.  Oh,  ah  ! You  advertised  a little  dog  named  Flo,  whom  you  had 
lost. 

Widow.  A little  dog  ! Why,  it  was  my  daughter  Florence — the  belle 
of  the  village — a sweet  girl  of  eighteen,  who  left  home  because  we  had  a lit- 


FUNNIBONE’S  FIX. 


13 


tie  tif.  Now  read,  read,  sin  Read  what  you  have  put  in  the  paper,  or  I 
will  break  your  head.  ( Flourishes  umbrella.) 

Fer.  {terrified , reads ) “ Poor  Widow  Smith,”  etc. 

Widow.  Now,  I demand  an  instant  apology. 

Fer.  What  shall  I do  ? (Enter  Septimus,  who  seats  himself  at  table ; 
Ferdinand  turns  and  sees  him;  then  to  Widow)  You  see  the  old  gentleman 
at  the  table  ? He  has  a grudge  against  some  members  of  your  family, 
and  wrote  these  verses  by  way  of  a bit  of  fun. 

(Widow  makes  a dash  at  Septimus,  who  expostulates;  Ferdinand 
rushes  to  door , L.,  and  is  met  by  Russetblue,  who  seizes  and  brings 
him  down.) 


Rus.  Now,  sir.  My  name  is  Russetblue,  dyer  and  cleaner.  What  do 
you  mean  by  calumniating  me  in  your  confounded  ha’penny  rag  ? Read,  sir, 
read  ! or  I’ll  break  your  neck. 

Fer.  ( takes  paper , and  reads ) “Mr.  and  Mrs.  Russetblue,  dyers  and 
cleaners,”  etc. 

Enter  Milly,  l.  ; seizes  Ferdinand.  Enter  Winkletoes  and  Cecil,  r. 


Mil.  There's  a mob  waiting  for  you  outside,  and  this  gentleman  ( point- 
ing to  Winkletoes)  swears  he’ll  shoot  you  and  the  other  sub-editor  too. 

Fer.  What  can  I do?  If  I go  outside,  there’s  the  mob  waiting  for  me. 
If  I stop  here,  I shall  get  the  contents  of  the  pistol.  They  say  of  two  evils 
choose  the  least.  Ah  ! the  chimney  ! 

( Bolts  under  Russetblue’s  arm  to  fireplace , c.,  and  up  chimney > pur- 
sued by  the  characters .) 


Win.  {producing pistol)  I’ll  soon  bring  him  down.  {Fires pistol  up  chim~ 
ney;  F EBDINAND  rolls  down  covered  with  soot;  they  bring  him  down , C. , on 
his  knees.) 

Mil.  Spare  him,  pa  ! ’tis  all  my  fault.  I persuaded  him  against  his  will 
to  take  that  gentleman’s  place  {pointing  to  Cecil),  and,  had  it  not  been 
for  him,  for  the  first  time  in  a quarter  of  a century  your  paper  would  not 
have  been  out. 


Sep.  And  pray,  sir,  who  are  you  ? 

Fer.  Ferdinand  Augustus  Funnibone,  at  your  service.  And  if  you'll 
only  forgive  me  this  once,  I swear  I’ll  never  place  myself  in  so  awkward  a 
dilemma  as  “ Funnibone’s  Fix.” 


Russetblue.  Septimus. 
Widow. 


Ferdinand.  Milly. 

Cecil. 

Winkletoes. 


Curtain. 


NEW  PLAYS 

SURPRISES*  15  cents.  A farce  in  i act,  by  C.  Leona  Dalrymple. 
1 male,  3 female  characters.  1 interior  scene.  Time,  30  minutes.  On  the  anniver- 
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Her  husband  plans  to  surprise  her  with  the  present  of  an  Angora  cat.  The  maid- 
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OUTWITTED*  1 5 cents.  A society  sketch  in  1 act,  for  3 girls.  1 in- 
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little  tiff  with  another  girl  to  whom  he  was  engaged,  and  his  attentions  were  merely 
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MRS.  FORRESTER'S  CRUSADE,  is  cents.  A farce  in  1 act, 

by  C.  Leona  Dalrymple.  i male,  2 female  characters.  1 interior  scene.  Time,  30 
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parents’  consent  to  their  engagement.  Mrs.  Forrester , her  mother,  also  writes  invit- 
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using  slang  expressions.  This  letter  was  mislaid  and  not  sent.  He  calls,  and  during 
the  interview  Mrs.  Forrester  crowds  into  her  conversation  all  the  atrocities  of  slang 
possible,  to  Helen's  consternation  and  Butler  s disgust.  Finally,  the  missing  letter 
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MATINEE  IDOL,  The*  is  cents.  A characteristic  vaudeville  sketch 
in  1 act,  by  Anthony  E.  Wills,  i male,  1 female  character.  1 plain  interior  scene. 
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elderly  actor,  who  in  earlier  days  was  a popular  matinee  idol.  Her  crude  attempts  at 
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gradual  descent  from  eminence  to  obscurity  shatters  her  stage  yearnings  and  persuades 
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MERRY  OLD  MAIDS,  The.  25  cents.  A motion  song  or  recita- 
tion arranged  for  io  girls  (more  or  less)  and  their  Irish  servant  girl,  by  Willis  N. 
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tended by  the  introduction  of  additional  recitations,  etc.  An  entirely  new  and  ex- 
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JOLLY  BACHELORS,  The.  25  cents.  A motion  song  or  recitation 

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EASTER  TIDINGS*  25  cents.  A unique  and  specially  interesting  en- 
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auxiliary  chorus  of  8 or  more  girls. 


New  Rays 

BACK  FROM  THE  PHILIPPINES  ? or.  Major  Kelly’s  Cork  Leg. 

IS  cents.  An  Irish  Farce  in  i act,  and  i interior  scene,  by  O.  E.  Young.  5 male,  3 
female  characters.  Time,  45  minutes.  Major  Kelly  has  returned  from  the  Philip- 
pines with  a cork  leg.  He  has  bought  a new  cork  leg,  with  all  the  improvements,  and 
to  get  rid  of  the  old  one,  throws  it  into  an  empty  stove  Kelly  is  betrothed  to  Maggie, 
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HER  LADYSHIP'S  NIECE.  15  cents.  A comedy  in  4 acts,  by 

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of  Sir  Charles  Beresford  on  condition  that  he  marries  the  niece,  which  Nora  finds  out, 
and  takes  the  parlor  maid’s  place.  Norah  believes  she  is  the  niece,  but  Sir  Charles 
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WANTED,  A MAHATMA.  15  cents.  A comic  sketch  in  i act, 

for  4 male  characters,  by  Gordon  V.  May.  i interior  scene.  Professor  Astralile,  a 
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Mahatma.  His  friend,  Frisby,  an  adventurer,  disguises  himself  as  a Mahatma. 
Squire  puts  his  wallet  on  table.  The  temptation  is  too  much  for  Frisby.  who  grabs  tho 
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WHITE  SHAWL,  A.  15  cents.  A Farce-Comedy  in  2 acts  and  1 in- 
terior scene,  by  C.  Leona  Dalrymple.  3 male,  3 female  characters.  Costumes, 
modern.  Time,  1^  hours.  A cleverly  arranged  “ Comedy  of  Errors,”  in  which  an 
elderly  doctor’s  attempts  at  wooing  a young  girl  already  engaged — an  old  maid’s  efforts 
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whereby  they  get  themselves  into  an  awkward  scrape— all  result  in  getting  things 
tangled  up  in  the  most  ludicrous  manner.  Woman’s  wit  and  a white  shawl  set  matters 
right  at  last. 

COUNT  OF  NO  ACCOUNT,!  A.  25  cents.  A Farce  Comedy  in 

2 acts,  by  Anthony  E.  Wills,  q male,  4 female  characters.  Time,  2%  hours. 
Johann  Kramer,  of  the  “ Lion  Inn,”  Catskill  Mountains,  advertises  the  Count  No- 
goodio  of  Paris  as  sojourner  at  hotel.  Two  New  Yorkers,  partners  in  business,  on  the 
verge  of  ruin,  and  each  having  an  attractive  daughter,  try  to  catch  the  Count  for  a 
son-in-law.  The  Count  has  not  arrived,  Kramer  hires  Weary,  a tramp,  to  personate 
him.  Weary  makes  trouble  all  the  time.  The  Count  arrives.  Weary  has  him  arrested 
as  his  insane  valet.  Count  escapes  ; is  taken  for  a ghost.  At  last  matters  are  set  right 
in  an  astonishing  climax.  A bright  French  waitress,  a middle-aged  widow  and  her 
brother,  a peevish  hypochondriac,  add  greatly  to  the  absurd  situations  and  surprises. 

WHEN  A MAN’S  SINGLE.  25  cents.  A rural  Society  Comedy  in 

3 acts,  by  Eleanor  Maud  Crane.  4 male  and  4 female  characters.  Modern  costumes. 
2 interior  scenes  and  1 exterior  scene.  Time,  2 hours.  Mrs.  Briscoe,  a rich  New 
Yorker,  with  her  two  sons  and  daughter,  visit  Jim  Horton’s  farm.  His  niece,  Eleanor, 
is  an  heiress.  Paul  Briscoe,  ruinously  in  debt,  resolves  to  win  Eleanor  and  her 
money;  he  mistakes  the  Irish  maid,  Norah,  for  her  mistress,  but  soon  learns  his  error. 
Eleanor  visits  the  Briscoes  at  Newport.  Paul  by  strategy  wins  her  consent.  Mrs. 
Briscoe  hears  of  Jim’s  sudden  wealth  and  forces  herself  on  him.  Later,  Jim’s  wealth 
proves  to  be  not  his,  but  Peter  Adams’s,  his  country  neighbor.  Things  get  badly 
mixed  up,  but  by  the  artless  blunders  of  Norah  are  finally  and  satisfactorily  settled. 
The  action  compels  absorbing  interest  throughout  the  comedy,  and  the  climax  is 
^ttongly  dramatic.  “ When  a Man’s  Single,  oh,  then  i ” 


NEW  PLAYS 

SQUIRE'S  STRATAGEM,  The*  25  cents.  A melo-comedy-drama 

fa  $ acts,  by  Horace  C.  Dale.  6 male,  4 female  characters.  Time  of  representation, 
a x/t  hours.  This  is  a play  which  will  be  appreciated  by  all  lovers  of  stirring  action  of 
a melo-drama  tint.  While  there  is  nothing  of  a blood-curdling  or  hair-raising  nature 
in  it,  there  are  a number  of  scenes  of  intense  human  interest  which  will  thrill  an  audi- 
ence, and  call  forth  the  best  efforts  of  the  actors.  It  is  easily  staged.  One  scene  can 
be  made  particularly  attractive.  The  characters  are  all  good,  the  act-endings  full  of 
action  and  interest,  and  the  author  claims  it  will  give  satisfaction  to  both  audience  and 
actors.  Professional  stage  rights  reserved.  Amateur  production  free. 

GIRL  FROM  PORTO  RICO,  The*  25  cents.  A farce-comedy  in 

3 acts,  by  Joseph  Le  Brandt.  5 male,  3 female  characters.  1 interior  scene.  Time, 
hours.  Mr  Mite  has  married  a Porto  Rico  wife,  and  has  a daughter,  Dina , engaged 
to  Robin.  She  is  a fiery  termagant;  Robin , a quiet  young  man.  Jack  falls  in  iove  with 
Dina\  Robin  is  tired  of  Dina  s domineering  treatment  and  is  persuaded  to  marry  Vio- 
let % a quiet,  lovable  girl,  Dina's  intimate  friend.  Jack  makes  Dina  believe  that  Robin 
has  been  killed  in  a duel.  She  instantly  marries  Jacky  intending  to  make  his  life  a 
torture.  Her  efforts  are  unavailing,  and  she  finds  her  master  in  Jack , who  finally  wins 
her  love.  The  action  is  rapid,  and  the  sequence  of  stage  situations  causes  roars  of 
laughter.  Professional  stage  rights  reserved.  A mateur  production  free. 

DOCTOR  BY  COURTESY,  A ? or,  A Jolly  Mix  Up.  25  cent.. 

A farce  in  3 acts,  by  Ullie  Akerstrom.  6 male  and  5 female  characters.  2 interior 
scenes.  Costumes,  modern.  Time,  2 hours.  Sly's  father-in-law  adopts  methods  to 
force  Sly  into  practice,  with  disaster  to  Sly  throughout.  Sly's  wife  is  led  by  Florette 
to  test^/yV  fidelity  by  calling  him  in  professionally.  Sly  allows  Freddie  to  personate 
him,  leading  to  complications  in  which  every  one  gets  mixed  up.  Flirtations  of  Sly 
before  marriage  also  add  to  his  perplexities,  all  of  which  are  finally  unravelled  anr 
peace  restored.  The  “situations’*  which  follow  each  other  in  rapid  succession  mak 
this  farce  irresistibly  comic.  Professional  stage  rights  reserved.  Amateur  produc 
tion  free. 

BENJAMIN,  BENNY  AND  BEN*  is  cents.  A farce  in  1 act  and 

1 interior  scene,  by  Anthony  E.  Wills.  8 male,  4 female  characters.  Time,  1 hour. 
A badiah , five  years  ago,  invented  an  air-ship  and  hired  Ben  Craft  to  navigate  it.  Ben 
lost  control  and  was  carried  away.  No  tidings  of  him.  Abadiah  believes  him  dead, 
and  feels  as  if  he  was  Ben's  murderer.  Abadiah  gets  his  lawyer’s  clerk  to  personate 
Ben  to  satisfy  Ben's  wife,  who  is  going  to  call  on  him.  Fearing  the  clerk  will  fail  to 
do  his  part,  he  gets  a tramp  to  personate  Ben.  The  two  are  exactly  alike  and  the  mix- 
ing up  of  identity  keeps  the  audience  roaring.  The  real  ben  turns  up  at  last  and  mat- 
ters get  straightened  out. 

AMONG  THE  BERKSHIRES.  25  cents.  A rural  drama  in  3 acts 

with  the  same  interior  scene  throughout,  by  Anthony  E.  Wills.  8 male,  4 female 
characters.  Time,  Ff  hours.  A simple  but  intensely  interesting  story  of  village  life. 
The  central  character  is  Ruth , daughter  of  an  innkeeper,  who  has  entered  into  a com- 
pact with  an  old  friend  on  his  deathbed,  to  make  Ruth  the  wife  of  his  friend’s  son. 
Ruth  marries  the  son  of  another  of  her  father’s  friends.  Her  father  disowns  her  ; es- 
trangement, unhappiness  and  trouble  follow,  but  reconciliation  in  after  years.  The 
pathetic  passages  are  well  balanced  by  incidents  and  situations  which  elicit  roars  of 
merriment. 

PHYLLIS'S  INHERITANCE?  or,  A Fight  for  a Fortune. 

25  cents.  A comedy  in  3 acts,  by  Frank  H.  Bernard.  6 male,  9 female  charac- 
ters..  1 interior  and  1 exterior  scene.  Time,  about  2 hours.  Phyllis , Philip’s  wife, 
receives  notice  of  a fortune  left  her  by  a deceased  uncle  in  the  East  Indies  on  condi- 
tion that  she  marries  his  adopted  son  who  is  about  to  visit  her.  Being  already  mar- 
ried, and  scheming  to  get  the  fortune,  she  conceals  the  matter  from  her  husband. 
Two  men  call  on  her  with  letters  of  introduction  which  she  does  not  read,  supposing 
each  in  turn  to  be  the  adopted  son.  The  way  she  accounts  for  their  presence  leads  to 
perplexing  mistakes.  Finally,  it  transpires  that  her  husband  is  the  adopted  son,  and 
all  ends  well. 


MILITARY  PLAYS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

M.  F. 

BY  THE  ENEMY’S  HAND.  4 Acts;  2 hours 10  4 

EDWARDS,  THE  SPY.  5 Acts;  2^  hours 10  4 

PRISONER  OF  ANDERSON VILLE.  4 Acts;  2J4  hours  . 10  4 

CAPTAIN  DICK.  3 Acts;  iy2  hours. 9 6 

ISABEL,  THE  PEARL  OE  CUBA.  4 Acts;  2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE  SAVAGE.  3 Acts;  2 hours;  1 Stage  Setting 4 4 

BY  FORCE  OF  IMPUESE.  (15  cents.)  5 Acts;  2)4  hours  9 3 

BETWEEN  TWO  FIRES.  (15  cents.)  3 Acts;  2 hours  8 3 

RURAL  PLAYS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

MAN  FROM  MAINE.  5 Acts;  2M  hours 9 3 

AMONG  THE  BERKSHIRES.  3 Acts;  2<4  hours 8 4 

OAK  FARM.  3 Acts;  2)4  hours;  1 Stage  Setting 7 4 

GREAT  WINTERSON  MINE.  3 Acts;  2 hours 6 4 

SQUIRE  THOMPKINS’ DAUGHTER.  5 Acts;  2)4  hours  5 2 

WHEN  A MAN’S  SINGLE.  3 Acts;  2 hours 4 4 

FROM  PUNKIN  RIDGE.  (15  cents.)  1 Act;  lhour...  6 3 

LETTER  FROM  HOME.  (15  cents.)  1 Act;  25  minutes  1 1 

ENTERTAINMENTS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

AUNT  DINAH’S  QUIETING  PARTY.  1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR  MAIDS’  REUNION.  1 Scene 2 30 

IN  THE  FERRY  HOUSE.  1 Scene;  1^  hours 19  15 

JAPANESE  WEDDING.  1 Scene;  1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL  EXCHANGE.  2 Acts;  2 hours 6 9 

OLD  PLANTATION  NIGHT.  1 Scene;  1J4  hours 4 4 

YE  VILLAGE  SKEWL  OF  LONG  AGO.  1 Scene.  13  12 

FAMILIAR  FACES  OF  A FUNNY  FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY  BACHELORS.  Motion  Song  or  Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS  MEDLEY.  30  minutes 15  14 

EASTER  TIDINGS.  20  minutes 8 

BUNCH  OF  ROSES.  (15  cents.)  1 Act;  1 4 hours 1 13 

OVER  THE  GARDEN  WALL.  (15  cents) 11  8 


DICK  & FITZGERALD,  Publishers,  18  Ann  Street,  N.  Y. 


:*$$$$$$$$$$$$ 


COMEDIES  AND  DRAMAS  | 

25  CENTS  EACH 

BREAKING  HIS  BONDS.  4 Acte;  2houre ” ^ 

BUTTERNUT’S  BRIDE.  3 Acts;  2^  hours n 6 

COLLEGE  CHUMS.  3 Acts;  2 hours;  1 Stage  Setting 9 3 

COUNT  OP  NO  ACCOUNT.  3 Acts;  234  hours 9 4 

DEACON.  5 Acts;  234  hours. g g 

DELEGATES  FROM  DENVER.  2 Acts;  45  minutes 3 10 

DOCTOR  BY  COURTESY.  3 Acts;  2 hours 6 5 

EASTSIDERS,  The.  3 Acts;  2 hours;  1 Stage  Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED  FROM  THE  LAW.  5 Acts;  2 hours 7 4 

GIRL  FROM  PORTO  RICO.  3 Acts;  234  hours 5 3 

GYPSY  QUEEN.  4 Acts;  234  hours 5 3 

IN  THE  ABSENCE  OF  SUSAN.  3 Acts;  134  hours 4 6 

JAIL  BIRD.  5 Acts;  234  hours 0 3 

JOSIAH’S  COURTSHIP.  4 Acts;  2 hours 7 4 

MY  LADY  DARRELL.  4 Acts;  234  hours 9 6 

MY  UNCLE  FROM  INDIA.  4 Acts;  234  hours 13  4 

NEXT  DOOR.  3 Acts;  2 hours 5 4 

PHYLLIS’S  INHERITANCE.  3 Acts;  2 hours 0 9 

REGULAR  FLIRT.  3 Acts;  2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE’S  LUCK.  3 Acts;  2 hours 5 3 

SQUIRE’S  STRATAGEM.  5 Acts;  234  hours 6 4 

STEEL  KING.  4 Acts;  234  hours 5 3 

WHAT’S  NEXT?  3 Acts;  234  hours 7 4 

WHITE  LIE.  4 Acts;  234  hours 4 3 


WESTERN  PLAYS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

ROCKY  FORD.  4 Acts;  2 hours 8 3 

GOLDEN  GULCH.  3 Acts;  234  hours 11  3 

RED  ROSETTE.  3 Acts;  2 hours 6 3 

MISS  MOSHER  OF  COLORADO.  4 Acts;  234  hours. .. . 5 3 

STUBBORN  MOTOR  CAR.  3 Acts;  2 hours;  1 Stage  Setting  7 4 

CRAWFORD’S  CLAIM.  (15  cents.)  3 Acts;  2M  hours.  9 3 


DICK  & FITZGERALD,  Publishers,  18  Ann  Street,  N.  Y. 


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